then I'll get sleepy, hungry, sad and lonely. Name it! kahit depress, feeling ko felt na felt te! hihihihi.. Maybe I'm just being blocked. blocked of my true feelings because if I try facing the problem, I will break down :( Call me shallow or whatever, I AM HURT.
Am it is, though it has been days since that dreadful announcement I can still feel the pang of pain surging through my inner veins and pierces me right through my broken heart. No, it ain't about love rather it is about my supposed to be "Last Hurrah of Hosting the IE Night,"
My second blog post here is about financial problems 'cause I am kinda short for my budget. I just wanted my last hosting stunt to be the best and perfectly executed with beautiful nail polish, flawless face and smokey eyes plus a sexy bud. However, that's not gonna happen anymore. And my problem is already solved because I am not coming anymore. And the way,I learned the news was like a bomb that shook my entire world. Ronald sent me this message telling me that Ma'am Borres doesn't want me to host the IE Night, he insisted but Ma'am declined. And that Ronald said that I just have to give my best on hosting the Pre Ramp.
You know how it felt? When I read it from my inbox on Messenger? I felt a lump on my throat. It's like you were deprived of something you really want and that you think you deserve. It's like am I not good enough? Isn't the five years a justified proof that I can do it? It's like a hard slap on my thick face and still it stung. It stung and left a mark on my face leaving it red and hot. It hurts.
I wish I didn't get hurt, how I wish that I could have just been angry to him. But I was not mad, I am not mad, I was deeply hurt. and up to now, it still stings. Anger and Hurt/Pain are two entirely different things. Anger subsides but pain lingers and it leaves a scar.You can forgive but everytime you see the scar you remember and it would still hurt just like the first time.
I am like this not because I am bitter of the rejection, I know change is inevitable and I completely understand that they have reasons but I expected it. I tried preparing for it. It hurts, I won't be able to say my goodbye's. I wish there is a way to vocalize everything but i can't find the audacity to post anything about this. He is my friend, I know he doesn't have any control on this and this wouldn't define my friendship with him :( I don't have the guts to risk anything especially our relationship.
And, I don't want to be judged. Maybe this is the exact reason why I am experiencing this whipping emotions. I am blocked, and this blog is my only stream of freedom. Freedom to express why, and how come I am like this without being judged as one sick bitter fat ex-host. I don't want to think that I am not god enough, that my talents came short from their judgement. I just want to leave it with the reason that they wanted something new. And that doesn't include me. I just want to move on and prove to them that they have made the wrong choice.
So then, Blogspot lemme tell them here my goodbye :)
Thank you IE-EMG community for making my dreams come true. May you have abundant blessings and may Gog bless you more with successful events. Til next time and goodbye. Signing off: the host of all seasons :) Janine Talens <3
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