Just Random Thoughts...

Just as the title of this blog goes, this will be all sorts of things. 

Like for example, Kris...

Told him I haven't moved on. But honestly, I didn't really fall in love with him. I think I did in some way but it was different. What we had was more of a burden than what love should bring like happiness and butterflies. I told him I haven't moved on because I wanted him to go after me. I just wanted some attention, affection and some importance. Maybe this is caused by reading too much Wattpad stories. 

Haayyyy, I miss being in love. I miss the good morning's and goodnight's, the take care's and iloveyou's. I missed being important,special to someone. I miss being someone else's world. I am scared that I already have forgotten how it is to be in love and be loved as well. I am scared that maybe because of the decisions I have made, I let that one special slip through my grasp and now he belongs to someone else. I am scared I won't be loved anymore. It has been such a long time since I've felt the fast beating of my heart, the excitement that rushes through my veins whenever I talk to that special person, that butterflies that flutters in my stomach whenever he smiles. I miss falling in love.

I know it is not my top priority but I'm just trying over some luck to catch an inspiration. Told you this is going to be many things, I also told Kris that now I am more matured because I am able to justify and put labels on my feelings. Before, basta kiligin in love na, While now, I can completely tell if I am truly in love or just being comfortable to someone, being just friends. Lover and Confidant are two different people. I know that now and I am really happy I can finally recognize their difference.

Ano pa ba? No more. Just Plain Ordinary And Null. 

Ended.

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions actually these past few days, I am not quite sure what am I feeling. At first, I'll wake up very hopeful of a bright day, then I'll get angry for nheena's kaartehan, 

then I'll get sleepy, hungry, sad and lonely. Name it! kahit depress, feeling ko felt na felt te! hihihihi.. Maybe I'm just being blocked. blocked of my true feelings because if I try facing the problem, I will break down :( Call me shallow or whatever, I AM HURT.

Am it is, though it has been days since that dreadful announcement I can still feel the pang of pain surging through my inner veins and pierces me right through my broken heart. No, it ain't about love rather it is about my supposed to be "Last Hurrah of Hosting the IE Night,"

My second blog post here is about financial problems 'cause I am kinda short for my budget. I just wanted my last hosting stunt to be the best and perfectly executed with beautiful nail polish, flawless face and smokey eyes plus a sexy bud. However, that's not gonna happen anymore. And my problem is already solved because I am not coming anymore. And the way,I learned the news was like a bomb that shook my entire world. Ronald sent me this message telling me that Ma'am Borres doesn't want me to host the IE Night, he insisted but Ma'am declined. And that Ronald said that I just have to give my best on hosting the Pre Ramp.

You know how it felt? When I read it from my inbox on Messenger? I felt a lump on my throat. It's like you were deprived of something you really want and that you think you deserve. It's like am I not good enough? Isn't the five years a justified proof that I can do it? It's like a hard slap on my thick face and still it stung. It stung and left a mark on my face leaving it red and hot. It hurts. 

I wish I didn't get hurt, how I wish that I could have just been angry to him. But I was not mad, I am not mad, I was deeply hurt. and up to now, it still stings. Anger and Hurt/Pain are two entirely different things. Anger subsides but pain lingers and it leaves a scar.You can forgive but everytime you see the scar you remember and it would still hurt just like the first time. 

I am like this not because I am bitter of the rejection, I know change is inevitable and I completely understand that they have reasons but I expected it. I tried preparing for it. It hurts, I won't be able to say my goodbye's. I wish there is a way to vocalize everything but i can't find the audacity to post anything about this. He is my friend, I know he doesn't have any control on this and this wouldn't define my friendship with him :( I don't have the guts to risk anything especially our relationship. 

And, I don't want to be judged. Maybe this is the exact reason why I am experiencing this whipping emotions. I am blocked, and this blog is my only stream of freedom. Freedom to express why, and how come I am like this without being judged as one sick bitter fat ex-host. I don't want to think that I am not god enough, that my talents came short from their judgement. I just want  to leave it with the reason that they wanted something new. And that doesn't include me. I just want to move on and prove to them that they have made the wrong choice. 

So then, Blogspot lemme tell them here my goodbye :) 

Thank you IE-EMG community for making my dreams come true. May you have abundant blessings and may Gog bless you more with successful events. Til next time and goodbye. Signing off: the host of all seasons :) Janine Talens <3 

Love Yourself.

It is such a tiring day again. My multi-tasking abilities were put to test the whole day! I was busy cooking, mopping floors and attending to nheena's needs all day long. But then again, it is indeed a wonderful and blessed day. I chose happiness now and I will always choose it. I'm done with self-loathing and the thoughts of unfairness in this world so I just better look on the brighter side of my life and thank God for the unseen blessings that are yet to come.

But that is not going to be the topic of my blog post this mornight :) hihihi.. Though, I will be posting a parallel theme regarding that matter one of these days. Anyway, I have liked this page in Facebook entitled Plump Magazine. It is all about big and beautiful women, empowering them to become better and enlightening them to just love and accept yourself because beauty is not measured in pounds rather it is by the goodness of the heart.

And I couldn't agree more. Physical beauty falters, but the beauty of one's soul will always be unblemished and it will never waver. Too bad, real beauty is not visible to the eyes, rather it is felt and is reflected in our day to day conversations. The society has been dictating the requirements and parameters of elegance. And, that in order for you to be labeled as beautiful, you need to be skinny, fair skinned and so on and on. Apart from that, you will be compared to different girls and eventually, you'll lose and not be qualified with the standards they have placed.

So ganon na lang ba yun? I mean, should there be really physical dimensions to pass in order for you to be lovely? I believe in the individuality of each person and that everyone has this unique quality and that is their beauty. I love the quotation that goes, "What makes you different, makes you beautiful." It is not bad to be different, it is not ugliness to not look like the others, it is not a problem if we don't fit on your specifications. I am beautiful with my scarred legs, I am pretty with my morena skin, I am marvelous with my chinita, hooded eyes and most of all I am lovely with my 85 kilo weight.

Remember girls that beauty is not based on the society's dictation of it, rather it is how you are, who you are and how you carry yourself. Love, accept and enhance yourself because if you do it, everything else will follow. Love will just be around and happiness is just a distance reached by hand. Smile and don't frown, you are God's blessing, full of potentials and possibilities. Claim your beauty and be yourself. Stand up for who you are and be who you wanted to be. #BeautifulMe

The Dilemma

It's a bit tiring kind of day. Did some household chores, cooked, washed dishes, prepared food and fed the dogs..and the likes. Haaayyy..but because I really missed blogging, I'mma gonna post one before I dozed off to sleep.

I have a very usual problem. Wanna guess what it is? YEP! You are right! If you're thinking about money now, hell yeah! You are absolutely,effin' right!!! hahahaha! Well, told you it's really a very common issue. I just want to buy stuff for my last hurrah in hosting the IE-EMG-SEM Night this coming Nov. 28 :( I don'y know why but there is really something wrong with the way I do and carry my makeup. I'm not sure if it's because of my aging face but I am wuite sure it's because of the products I use now. 

Fashion 21's 2 way foundation is good. But it leaves my skin very cakey, I mean, it gives off this very fake look that's why I'm not feeling confident whenever I use it. Sadly, it's my only powder :( Apart from that, my liquid foundation looks off!! I don't know why either! haaayyy.. I sort of admitted that it becomes patchy whenever I use it, but it gives off a very flawless look. However, it doesn't look good now :( ugggghhh!! I wanna buy new ones and just stick to the products that looks good on me. like Fanny Serrano's 2 way foundation powder others.

I also want to buy a new mascara, new Brow pencil, a contouring powder, and eyeliner :( haaayyyy.. I really pray that God will bless me and shower me financial blessings in order for me to really give it off my best as i bid my final hosting stunt with my beloved department and student council..

I just wanna finish my thesis and be able to just do all things, buy the things i need and i want and most especially my family's wants and needs..

 

My First Blog After N Years?

It's been quite long years since the last time I have written a blog. I used to have one, actually it is still active and dang! it's very shameful to read all the blogs there because I kept on talking and writing about only one person and it was KEN.

Well, I must say my life revolved around him for 5 years. And honestly, I can't tell if I have COMPLETELY forgotten about him now or if I have already moved on. I guess, I just went on. Went on with the flow of life around me. Though, I am not quite sure if he even existed 'coz everything happened in the cyber world of unlimited text and yahoo messenger. *Sorry yahoo messenger pa kasi non*

He was only an imagination but it left a big whole in my life. I never got the chance to see him in person or even hear his voice but still i fell for him. And everyday for 5 years, I know I did fall in love with him. Maybe that is why i wasn't really able to move on coz' up until now, he is still a mystery. Saw his fb account, he changed his cover photo to what he describe as his little man. And the little man is a very handsome little baby boy. Seeing that picture constricted my heart, he could have been mine, the little baby. I remember all ken's promises, our dreams and our plans. Now, he is busy accomplishing it all without me. Rather, he is doing all of 'em with his OTL <3 #Laslaspulso

I admit, I was deeply hurt. I wanted to cry, I even thought of sending a message to his cousin Kat, but i won't dare. I have to totally forget about him, everything related to him, our memories, and especially myself. The JHA who was inlove with him. but how could i ever forget him if even my name, jha, was given by him.

However, I think. I am already moved on. I was just caught on a moment where I am sad and currently looking for someone to love again. Then, I saw him happy and proud. Maybe I'm just jealous because he is happy now and i am not. Because the same person he left that once upon a time is still the same person up to now.

But hey, wait! I am still working on my masterpiece :) God is not yet done with me, He has better plans. and the only thing i can do now is to completely surrender to God's will and plan and let Him take over my life. I  have many dreams for my family, my parents, my brother especially my nheena. And I won't stop until i haven't reached that pedestal of success. God will guide me through His Plan.

Just wait for me, you will see and you will look up to me. I will be someone GREAT just wait for it :) I will have my own precious TIME :)